The past proceeds to come back and haunt me. There are things in my past that leave a muddy trail and come back to me in a haunting fury. I’m not very proud of some of the things I have done in my own past. Especially how I dealt with my anger that was brought upon betrayal.
When I was eighteen, I had this guy that was my “Friends with benefits”. Well, one night with intoxication at its peak. We decided to sneak into one of the local pools. The 9 foot fence obstacle awaits us. On the other side, the untouched water glistens from the moon. We climb it, and end up having a blast skinny dipping! The boy, Jay and I are finally done with the pool. It’s time to leave. He climbs the fence and jumps down, now it’s my turn. The alcohol starts to set in, and my balance is pretty shady.
“Come on, I will catch you!” Which means, trust me, I got you. After contemplating, I decide to give my trust to him. I drop off the fence and no arms come around my body. CRACK! My foot lands on a rock. Pain engulfs me, my right foot now aches.
” You’re okay. Now let’s go.”
Jay ends up convincing me that I’m alright, so he walks to my car while I hobble. When I press my right foot on the gas, pain shoots up my body. The pain increases as I drive. Tears start to well up in my eyes. The whole ride, Jay doesn’t even notice any of this. After driving with the excruciating pain, we make it to his place.
The sex, I ended up having to endure. The worst sex ever! All I could feel was my foot in agony moving back and forth.
The next day I saw a doctor, and guess what? I broke my foot in three different places, one toe away from needing a plate on the bottom of my foot. A week later,(me now in a foot boot and a cripple) Jay stops seeing me. What a great guy! That betrayal left me with vengeance. I went out of my way to get to know his close friends. I ended up having a night with one of them. As the days went by, I progressed to get to know the others the same way. I would like to think (at the time), this pain went deep inside of Jay.
This heated anger I felt and the way I ended up hurting him, I’m ashamed of.
This is probably one of the reasons why I shut off my feelings on a daily basis.