Lost in the Past

I was looking through my things the other day, and stumble upon this.

                                           

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                                                        2012
   Love…  Have I ever been in love? I mean really? Or am I just trying to convince myself the whole time. I don’t really know. But I do remember the way I felt when he called me. It was like my voice would get caught in my throat. The feeling of being twitterpated (Disney’s Bambi)! At times I thought I was going crazy, like nothing would in my life would work if he wasn’t there. It hit me out of nowhere. I was around 15, and he was around 17. But now we are on separate roads. Being deported from a country can do that…
At first, I was physically attracted to him. I wanted him! But he was a punk and a friend, and I know how they are. So I didn’t give in right away. I played it off like he was just another guy trying to get with me. He had a grundgy band play in his basement and all our friends were there, partying.
Now I had an itch deep within me that came out so strong  I could not do anything about it, but let it take control. So I brought a boy with me for just that. I have always wondered about my sexual addiction. The second person that I technically had sex with, raped me. Maybe that is what made it start. But I have found out on my father’s side, him, my step sister, and step brother, seem to have the same sexual appetite.
Anyway, at this time of my life, I had only had sex with two people, one which was forced.
That tingly feeling came so the boy I brought, I snuck him in the bathroom with me. We stood in the shower, my lips found his while his hands explored my body. He fingered me for a while, then banging was heard from the door. ” Stay here. I will come get you.”
My heart was hammering as this stranger entered to pee. Once he was done and I thought the ghost was clear, I exited and met up with my little boy toy, who was waiting for me. But someone saw me come out of the bathroom and knew something happened. The jig was up! Heat spread through out my body with the news. I loved it! But knowing he might find out what I had done at his home worried me.
Many times I have tried not to give in to the need. Sometimes it pulls fiercely, other times I can control it. But when it does come so harshly, it makes my whole body ache. I become one huge pulse. A fire from the inside starts devouring me, getting bigger and bigger! I can’t extinguish it, it has gone too far! Please help! I will yell in my head, but my actions, my body is asking for something else.
I wish I could be normal, or what I think normal should be. But it has molded into me, made me who I am now.

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                                       September 2012
I thought that recently I was in love, bit now I’m not so sure. I think I was at the beginning, when everything was new, fresh, and fun. I just didn’t want it to end.
A year has passed, and I feel so far away, and I don’t think he even notices. It’s like a rabbit slowly being stalked by a wolf. You can sense something but you’re not sure what. Sometimes I want to shake some sense into him, make things back into the way it use to be. Now all that is left is an empty black void, which keeps getting bigger and bigger! My mind screams, but nothing comes out of my mouth. Everything is silent. My emotions are now limited. It feels dull and colorless, I want that to stop. I feel like crying out of pity and sorrow for the diminished love. But yet, he is still here. Just now an empty shell, noticing nothing that surrounds him. It is the end, I can sense it, watching me, waiting to pounce.

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