Need Help With Enduring Pain

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The accident Endured

So here I am, between a rock and a hard place. I have to figure out how I am going to pay all my medical bills off. The cost is $180,000.00. I was in a bad 7 car pile up. I was on my way to California from South Dakota. I made it as far as Rock Springs, Wyoming, before this wreck happened. Since three years has passed, I have made it far. I can do many things at the beginning of healing, I could not. This took about a year of physical training and being stubborn. I kept pushing myself everyday to get better. Even when doctors told me I would be like this for the rest of my life. I still made myself keep trying. Everyday is still difficult to get up because the pain does not take a break. I still push myself. But if you can see in your heart that you can help, just press the link above, or share with friends and family. I am not sure that the money given from the accident will cover all of my hospital bills. That is why I have created this. Plus, it seems more likely that I will always have these back, neck, and head pains the rest of my life.

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I understand if you can’t donate, I know right now, it would be difficult for me, but please at least share. Thank you very much!

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Walking Disaster!

Two and a half weeks have passed since I have started my new life in Sweden. The language some days, leaves Me frustrated, but I still push on to learn it. Many days have involved being in the forests. 


In the distance, you can hear the chainsaw roar to life as we begin our clean up. It started out just two trees. But as a few days passed with doing this. It became about twenty trees. My body was beginning to ache from dragging the branches to multiple burn piles. 

The cold was’nt clinging onto me anymore. Heat was now radiating off of me. Time for the hat to go. There was only a little bit of snow on the ground, but the temperature kept it there. 

Today, I called the shots to have a relaxed day. My other half still stays busy outside chopping logs or cutting trees. But now I have time to write and study Swedish. Before he disappeared to the forest, he askes if I would do the dishes.

About 5-10 minutes pass and I’m in the kitchen working on my task. I grab a dish thinking it belongs in the top cupboards. I open them, and realize it must live in a bottom cupboard. So I kneel down and put it away. With such force, I slammed into the corner of a top cupboard. So much that it closed itself. I dropped to my knees immediately and grabbed my head. The pain shattered my thoughts. I began deep breaths and started calming. Once I pulled my hand away, it was covered in blood. Shit, I thought. With an aching beginning, i walked outside. 

Birk could’nt hear my yelling with his earphones and working with a chainsaw. But once he saw me, his face became serious. Blood now dripped down my face. In just a tank top, underwear, and boots, I looked as if I should be in a horror film.

He rushed me back inside and sternly got me to sit down. It was a small puncture, now going to be my 3rd scar since moving here. 

It seems I’m a walking accident. One day, maybe I will be able to do the dishes without any blood getting involved.

The Battle up Yosemite Trail

We are surrounded by steep steps that keep climbing higher and higher. Before the hike began, we discussed in only doing the lower Yosemite fall trail.

Once the hike started, I was doing fine. But the more we climbed, the more a pounding began in my head. Trying to keep up with Clyde (my dog) and my husband was turning into a bad idea. All I could feel was the thumping in my head. I had to stop.

My husband gazes back at me, “Go on, I’m going to have to take some time.” I say to him. He finally reluctantly leaves me behind. I would get there on my own time.

Time had passed, so I began once again. But soon, I had to rest again, and again. My body could do it, but my head, my head was not having it! Every time I stopped, it was because the pain was roaring inside my brain.

It has been almost three years since I have even been able to do this much with hiking.

I was in a 7 car pile up back then. I am lucky to be able to walk at all. wpid-resizedimage951398972055556.jpgThe pain now is nothing compared to the pain I had back then. But I’m still nothing like how I used to be. Physiologically, this puts a toll on you over time. Especially when you have been trying to get better, even when it has gotten tough. But Never Give Up!

 

A few times I almost gave up, but I reassured myself that I could do it. I began a chant inside my head, ‘slow and steady wins the race.’

The trail was frequented often. Many people were going up and down in herds, but it dwindled down the higher I got. Keeping up with some of the groups helped my morale. ‘I am not totally broken! Look I’m at their speed!’

Finally, an opening emerges. I have made it to the lower falls! It was breathtaking! The waterfalls tumbles down, giving off a cold mist. Trees were on the opposite side of the dsc_0148panoramic view. I take in a deep breath. The air feels nice here, calm. But I realize, no man of mine, or dog. I must push on, to the end. After I rested a bit, I began the rocky trail to the top of the falls. After a while of trudging upward, every step was beginning to make a booming pound in my entire head. It felt as though it was growing from the inside with every thrum of pain.

When it was needed, and I could bare it no longer, I rested. And started the journey all over from where ever I stopped. Some of the people I passed helped me stay optimistic, “You’re about halfway!”

“Take your time, it will still be there for you to see!”

This trip was beginning to feel like an eternity! Finally, I was about 20-30 minutes from the top. I stopped to take a rest. As I was working on catching my breath, I caught a glimpse of my hubby in his green jacket with Clyde at his side walking towards me. My body was filled with relief and happiness. I have made it to my prize! Although, I was suppose to make it to them. He had come back down to see if I needed help. Being so close to the top, I couldn’t stop now.So I kept pushing. We went to the top together this time. The upper falls was spectacular! It was like being in a place untouched by man. In the distance, you could see trees spread out on mountains.

This rough terrain trail was 9 ½ miles to the top and back to the bottom.

We did it!

The Created Man

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It is forever ringing in my head. How does the human mind really work? The noise echoes in my ears, trying to tell me something. Then it vanishes, where did it go?

Humans are such weird creatures. Not all of us are blunt. Some stay in the shadows. There are countless different kinds in the world. But yet its own species some how forgets that.

Not everyone thinks alike, learns the same, or even acts like one another. They are not painted in black and white.

You may see one side of someone thinking they are horrid. But their other side is a hidden gemstone. To really know someone, you have to take in all their sides, even the bad ones. It’s the combination of bad and good that makes us people.garretson-1

Forcing Ideas into Your Head

My world has been turned upside down. I’m at a loss for words. This feeling of confusion grabs a hold of my body. My vision beomes cloudy and now I’m standing in darkness. Nothing can be seen, it feels like hours, then I hear his voice calling out my name. His voice begins to hold panic. I start to run towards his sound. Urgency holds in his tone and gets louder as I get closer. I find a door and swing it open.

Immediately, I’m blinded by the light. I wake up coughing up something gooey and black. It quickly runs away. My vision clears and I’m on the floor with my husband hovering over me. His eyes are swollen with tears, and he grabs me for a hug. A sigh of relief escapes his lips. My memory is still foggy, what had happened?

I shake my head, trying to clear the mist of lost pieces. Then at that moment some of the memory floods back into my brain. I gasp as images play once again in my head. I remember seeing a black liquid thing form out of a big puddle in front of my eyes and trudges towards me. For some reason my body couldn’t move. It grabbed my face and opened my mouth. I was frozen with fear. It breathed some black thing inside of me. My eyes turned completely black for a second, and then went back to normal. The stiffness I felt, slowly left, and the monster thing treaded itself back to the puddle.

Snipets of images come across my mind. A little girl with black curls turning into gold curls. For a brief moment I see dead trees near a graveyard. Another image of the moon’s light shining down on the emptiness of a grassy field.

These pieces don’t add up. What does this mean?

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Hidden Behind Closed Doors…

The surgery didn’t even faze me. Maybe because I have cleaned turkeys and chickens. Half of the ear had to go, it could be tumorous. So much knowledge just from that one surgery. Now what is in store for me? This was my interview to the surgical side of the veterinarian office. Learning something new is intriguing! It makes me feel like a giddy girl!

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After standing for a half an hour, the sharp pain began. My lower back started to throb. But once the surgery was completed, my pain dissappated. Sporadic pains still occur, even though it has been two years. One day, this will all be a memory and nothing more.

The true colors have been shown from the Doctor. I now know, I can’t be around here any longer. I only lasted for about a month, but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I stuck through this any longer. His short temper needs to be on a leash. The way he treats his workers is appaling. As the weeks progressed, I seen him make a new girl cry, make the atmosphere unbreathable with hostility in his voice. He wants everyone to stay calm in a stressful situation, but here he is doing the complete opposite.

No more standing back for me. I can’t take it, it goes against my own morals. Life is worth living, a job is worth enjoying. I just have to walk away. At least I gained some knowledge of the surgeries and medicine. Things I could possibly use in my future.

The Booming Noise

Hey… I know it has been a while, but I’m working on getting it back. And soon, I will. I feel it bubbling over, it needs an outlet. It’s a good thing I got you. A thing that can withstand the drama and stress of this crazy life of mine.

The pain thumps back to life, then dwindles away. I don’t know what brought it out. Maybe the bustling streets, or the clanging of glasses. Static conversations can be heard from a far. It is not that bad, but in my ears, they seem to be amplified . I feel a heavy weight through out my head, trying to push me down.

There will come a day where this feeling doesn’t exist. I just have to keep remembering that and keep moving forward.

Indoor music shows nowadays are hard for me to bear. It takes energy from me just to be around there stimulated by everything and everyone. All the sounds cascading down on me. I begin to feel as though I’m suffocating. But I can take it in small doses. It has gotten better over these past two years.

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Dancing with Pain

My head had its tussle with a car wreck. It happened two years ago, and to this day , I’m still healing. Forever broken, or for only a while longer? Hmm. . .

I will patiently await my future and what it holds for me. Lessons are held in so much you go through. I have more wisdom than what I had started with.  My path has been a rough one. Some days happened, where I didn’t recognize myself.  But here I am now, still alive.

That’s the first thing you must realize, you are the holder of your own future. Hold your ground, until you are ready for that first step. Humans can be strong!

My mind trails away, making an imaginary world to pass this healing process by. There are days where my squishy head will start booming through, letting me know, it’s in pain. Thanks for letting me know.

But nowadays, I have taken my healing process into my own hands. Now, the mending has begun. I start a new diet that stays away from processed, preservatives, pretty much anything, but fruits and vegetables. My head doesn’t pound as much! It almost has gone down to maybe once every couple of weeks! The Doctor told me, I would have issues with my back permenately. Well, I showed him. I can go to concerts now, and be able to last longer standing than before, until the pain comes. It is still just the beginning, but this is only after two weeks of the diet. What improvement! Plus, I have looked more into essential oils. Healing anidiotes that have been just in the backyard. Why don’t more people use oils or natural remedies we can make ourselves? It is cheaper, plus it actually helps the problem instead of covering it up. Don’t get me wrong, of course sometimes western medicine is needed. But so much has been clouded, that you can fix yourself.

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Lavender helps my back pain, while Frankincense helps with my head. I have also found out, many oils by different companies out there have been diluted to spread it out more. But this makes it not as strong. Doterra is where its at. Although growing it yourself is cheaper. You just need the knowledge to begin the helping journey. The gate has opened, I can see the light. I will conquer this trial and be on top once again!

The Flying Leaf

Today has been a blur. My head is at a bad spot. The thumping won’t stop. Words have been fumbling out of my mouth, as if intelligence has left them. The brain is not on my side, for now. But I will ease my way back into myself once again. Not much to do when this pounding won’t go away.

I venture out to the grassy world. The wind is brisk, but the sun sporadically peaks out of the clouds with warmth in its radiance. The birds chirp their joys. Spring is almost here. What a soothing melody.

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It almost makes the throbbing feeling go unnoticed, almost. The pain now feels as though it’s burrowing deeper into my head. This swirling pain won’t let up.

I take a deep breath and let it go to mingle in the air. A leaf dances in the wind. As if it is trying to say something.

That imaginary world comes to life, as I watch the leaf. It transcends slower to the ground. Suddenly the wind picks up once again, taking the floating leaf on another wild ride. Up and down, twisting and turning.

The leaf and I actually have a lot in common. My life can also be like there is a whirlwind surrounding it.

As my body calms and I think of other things, the pain eases to only a little thrumming. Back to the normal feeling for me. Bearable.

Remnants Lost…

Memories swirl around me, but I can’t grasp any of them. It fades in and out, then it slips through my fingers.

Growing up was just a blur. As a child, all the way until now, and still everything a bit hazy. Not much is remembered or can be stored away.

My mind has been left with a hole where memories would stay. Now they can easily leak out. Dang car accident! You have taken away future and past memories from me.

I try to remember, but the only thing that comes to mind is just a dark unshapely mass. My hands can not hold the snipets of past thoughts anymore. They keep slowly drifting between my fingers.

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I watch as my blurry past memories glide through the trees. They soon disperse into the air, as if they were never there. Leaving me feeling just a little more lost.

A panic takes over my body. But as soon as I felt it, it was gone. Now lingering is only the thought of what is missing. At times, I feel empty. Always trying to locate memories, but their remains are gone. My feeling begins to spread across the vast wasteland. Devouring all that is in sight.