Where is my Mind?


My mind is at a loss. It is hiding in the past. My life feels as though it is spiraling out of my grasp. My reality feels like it is fading away. I need to step back, and refresh my brain. My life, my passion, and my ambition are still intact. I am happy, but my heart aches. I guess homesickness is hitting me. What a suffocating feeling. I must keep myself busy, I must find a new path to pursue. 


The road is not an easy one. But I am not alone. I can not forget that. I have my furry family here along with my man. With that thought, my mind eases. I cannot give up on myself! No one should give up on themselves.

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A whirlwind for the Heart

That day felt surreal. I wasn’t fully there once it happened. I didn’t believe my eyes as it unfolded right in front of me! 

               The day was filled with rays of light and a warmth when it touched you. We met up with a friend and her kids at the lake. It was a nice day to relax at the lake surrounded by many colored trees. Once the sun began to descend, we started packing our things. My husband and I said our goodbyes and loaded up Clyde (my dog). We drove to our road, and as usual, we let Clyde out so he could sprint in front of us. After a few seconds, Clyde’s back legs locked up. His body was in midair and then fell to the ground. As I saw this, my whole body went into panic mode. Birk stopped the car and rushed to him. Clyde kept trying to come to us as he dragged his back legs behind his body. My husband picked him up and looked him over. I was already waiting in the back so I could be next to Clyde. But once he was in the back, he didn’t want to sit still. It was painful to watch him try to use his back legs. His balance was now non existent and he wasn’t listening when I tried to make him relax.


Birk called a vet and explained our situation. Clyde was put on house arrest with 24 hour watch. My eyes watched his every move. I stayed by his side a few days after that as well. 

When it had happened to him, it looked as though his rear legs detached from his hips. But overtime, it was beginning to get better. He must have had major cramps happen in his back legs that just were stuck in a stiff outstretched position. 


Since then, he now gets healthy organic ingredients put into his food. They help with aches, arthritis, and many other things. He has sprouted into a puppy again. You would have never known he went through that! His body is once again, fully functional. 

But that day, my whole world was at a stand still. I’m not oblivious to the fact that dog’s lives are shorter than a human’s. But to have someone by your side almost all the time for 11 years and this happens is devastating. He has travelled on boats, rvs, jet ski, cars, 4-wheelers, and planes with me. While I hitch hiked in America for around a year, he was by my side. Much of America we have seen together! We have seen 3 countries together now! My husband quickly grew fond of Clyde. Now the three of us and our two cats have ventured to many places.



Clyde is my animal soul mate, and he always will be! I had a protector when I was in sticky situations. He is more than a dog, he is part of my family. 

The Pain of the Weather

6/14/17

The weather has been pounding on my head profusely. Another day with High humidity in the air. This pulls at me, chipping off pieces of myself. It has been three years, but I still am having issues. South Dakota is not the place for my head. This crazy weather and drastic temperatures are not my friends. If only this could be harmonious in my brain. But seldon is anything easy. I guess that is a part of life. Since surviving the bad, I cherish life much more. Humans need the bad with the good to understand how to appreciate the good things.


Pushing forward is not going to work today. Every step I go on ward, I am pushed back twice as much! The pain becomes more threatening. I’m at a stand still. When will this weather clear up? Let me be free! I am barricaded inside this house. If I venture out, the pain finds me quickly. 

What a nightmare! This weather holds the pain a waiting me where ever I go!

Need Help With Enduring Pain

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The accident Endured

So here I am, between a rock and a hard place. I have to figure out how I am going to pay all my medical bills off. The cost is $180,000.00. I was in a bad 7 car pile up. I was on my way to California from South Dakota. I made it as far as Rock Springs, Wyoming, before this wreck happened. Since three years has passed, I have made it far. I can do many things at the beginning of healing, I could not. This took about a year of physical training and being stubborn. I kept pushing myself everyday to get better. Even when doctors told me I would be like this for the rest of my life. I still made myself keep trying. Everyday is still difficult to get up because the pain does not take a break. I still push myself. But if you can see in your heart that you can help, just press the link above, or share with friends and family. I am not sure that the money given from the accident will cover all of my hospital bills. That is why I have created this. Plus, it seems more likely that I will always have these back, neck, and head pains the rest of my life.

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I understand if you can’t donate, I know right now, it would be difficult for me, but please at least share. Thank you very much!

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Walking Disaster!

Two and a half weeks have passed since I have started my new life in Sweden. The language some days, leaves Me frustrated, but I still push on to learn it. Many days have involved being in the forests. 


In the distance, you can hear the chainsaw roar to life as we begin our clean up. It started out just two trees. But as a few days passed with doing this. It became about twenty trees. My body was beginning to ache from dragging the branches to multiple burn piles. 

The cold was’nt clinging onto me anymore. Heat was now radiating off of me. Time for the hat to go. There was only a little bit of snow on the ground, but the temperature kept it there. 

Today, I called the shots to have a relaxed day. My other half still stays busy outside chopping logs or cutting trees. But now I have time to write and study Swedish. Before he disappeared to the forest, he askes if I would do the dishes.

About 5-10 minutes pass and I’m in the kitchen working on my task. I grab a dish thinking it belongs in the top cupboards. I open them, and realize it must live in a bottom cupboard. So I kneel down and put it away. With such force, I slammed into the corner of a top cupboard. So much that it closed itself. I dropped to my knees immediately and grabbed my head. The pain shattered my thoughts. I began deep breaths and started calming. Once I pulled my hand away, it was covered in blood. Shit, I thought. With an aching beginning, i walked outside. 

Birk could’nt hear my yelling with his earphones and working with a chainsaw. But once he saw me, his face became serious. Blood now dripped down my face. In just a tank top, underwear, and boots, I looked as if I should be in a horror film.

He rushed me back inside and sternly got me to sit down. It was a small puncture, now going to be my 3rd scar since moving here. 

It seems I’m a walking accident. One day, maybe I will be able to do the dishes without any blood getting involved.

The Battle up Yosemite Trail

We are surrounded by steep steps that keep climbing higher and higher. Before the hike began, we discussed in only doing the lower Yosemite fall trail.

Once the hike started, I was doing fine. But the more we climbed, the more a pounding began in my head. Trying to keep up with Clyde (my dog) and my husband was turning into a bad idea. All I could feel was the thumping in my head. I had to stop.

My husband gazes back at me, “Go on, I’m going to have to take some time.” I say to him. He finally reluctantly leaves me behind. I would get there on my own time.

Time had passed, so I began once again. But soon, I had to rest again, and again. My body could do it, but my head, my head was not having it! Every time I stopped, it was because the pain was roaring inside my brain.

It has been almost three years since I have even been able to do this much with hiking.

I was in a 7 car pile up back then. I am lucky to be able to walk at all. wpid-resizedimage951398972055556.jpgThe pain now is nothing compared to the pain I had back then. But I’m still nothing like how I used to be. Physiologically, this puts a toll on you over time. Especially when you have been trying to get better, even when it has gotten tough. But Never Give Up!

 

A few times I almost gave up, but I reassured myself that I could do it. I began a chant inside my head, ‘slow and steady wins the race.’

The trail was frequented often. Many people were going up and down in herds, but it dwindled down the higher I got. Keeping up with some of the groups helped my morale. ‘I am not totally broken! Look I’m at their speed!’

Finally, an opening emerges. I have made it to the lower falls! It was breathtaking! The waterfalls tumbles down, giving off a cold mist. Trees were on the opposite side of the dsc_0148panoramic view. I take in a deep breath. The air feels nice here, calm. But I realize, no man of mine, or dog. I must push on, to the end. After I rested a bit, I began the rocky trail to the top of the falls. After a while of trudging upward, every step was beginning to make a booming pound in my entire head. It felt as though it was growing from the inside with every thrum of pain.

When it was needed, and I could bare it no longer, I rested. And started the journey all over from where ever I stopped. Some of the people I passed helped me stay optimistic, “You’re about halfway!”

“Take your time, it will still be there for you to see!”

This trip was beginning to feel like an eternity! Finally, I was about 20-30 minutes from the top. I stopped to take a rest. As I was working on catching my breath, I caught a glimpse of my hubby in his green jacket with Clyde at his side walking towards me. My body was filled with relief and happiness. I have made it to my prize! Although, I was suppose to make it to them. He had come back down to see if I needed help. Being so close to the top, I couldn’t stop now.So I kept pushing. We went to the top together this time. The upper falls was spectacular! It was like being in a place untouched by man. In the distance, you could see trees spread out on mountains.

This rough terrain trail was 9 ½ miles to the top and back to the bottom.

We did it!

The Created Man

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It is forever ringing in my head. How does the human mind really work? The noise echoes in my ears, trying to tell me something. Then it vanishes, where did it go?

Humans are such weird creatures. Not all of us are blunt. Some stay in the shadows. There are countless different kinds in the world. But yet its own species some how forgets that.

Not everyone thinks alike, learns the same, or even acts like one another. They are not painted in black and white.

You may see one side of someone thinking they are horrid. But their other side is a hidden gemstone. To really know someone, you have to take in all their sides, even the bad ones. It’s the combination of bad and good that makes us people.garretson-1

Forcing Ideas into Your Head

My world has been turned upside down. I’m at a loss for words. This feeling of confusion grabs a hold of my body. My vision beomes cloudy and now I’m standing in darkness. Nothing can be seen, it feels like hours, then I hear his voice calling out my name. His voice begins to hold panic. I start to run towards his sound. Urgency holds in his tone and gets louder as I get closer. I find a door and swing it open.

Immediately, I’m blinded by the light. I wake up coughing up something gooey and black. It quickly runs away. My vision clears and I’m on the floor with my husband hovering over me. His eyes are swollen with tears, and he grabs me for a hug. A sigh of relief escapes his lips. My memory is still foggy, what had happened?

I shake my head, trying to clear the mist of lost pieces. Then at that moment some of the memory floods back into my brain. I gasp as images play once again in my head. I remember seeing a black liquid thing form out of a big puddle in front of my eyes and trudges towards me. For some reason my body couldn’t move. It grabbed my face and opened my mouth. I was frozen with fear. It breathed some black thing inside of me. My eyes turned completely black for a second, and then went back to normal. The stiffness I felt, slowly left, and the monster thing treaded itself back to the puddle.

Snipets of images come across my mind. A little girl with black curls turning into gold curls. For a brief moment I see dead trees near a graveyard. Another image of the moon’s light shining down on the emptiness of a grassy field.

These pieces don’t add up. What does this mean?

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Hidden Behind Closed Doors…

The surgery didn’t even faze me. Maybe because I have cleaned turkeys and chickens. Half of the ear had to go, it could be tumorous. So much knowledge just from that one surgery. Now what is in store for me? This was my interview to the surgical side of the veterinarian office. Learning something new is intriguing! It makes me feel like a giddy girl!

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After standing for a half an hour, the sharp pain began. My lower back started to throb. But once the surgery was completed, my pain dissappated. Sporadic pains still occur, even though it has been two years. One day, this will all be a memory and nothing more.

The true colors have been shown from the Doctor. I now know, I can’t be around here any longer. I only lasted for about a month, but I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I stuck through this any longer. His short temper needs to be on a leash. The way he treats his workers is appaling. As the weeks progressed, I seen him make a new girl cry, make the atmosphere unbreathable with hostility in his voice. He wants everyone to stay calm in a stressful situation, but here he is doing the complete opposite.

No more standing back for me. I can’t take it, it goes against my own morals. Life is worth living, a job is worth enjoying. I just have to walk away. At least I gained some knowledge of the surgeries and medicine. Things I could possibly use in my future.

The Booming Noise

Hey… I know it has been a while, but I’m working on getting it back. And soon, I will. I feel it bubbling over, it needs an outlet. It’s a good thing I got you. A thing that can withstand the drama and stress of this crazy life of mine.

The pain thumps back to life, then dwindles away. I don’t know what brought it out. Maybe the bustling streets, or the clanging of glasses. Static conversations can be heard from a far. It is not that bad, but in my ears, they seem to be amplified . I feel a heavy weight through out my head, trying to push me down.

There will come a day where this feeling doesn’t exist. I just have to keep remembering that and keep moving forward.

Indoor music shows nowadays are hard for me to bear. It takes energy from me just to be around there stimulated by everything and everyone. All the sounds cascading down on me. I begin to feel as though I’m suffocating. But I can take it in small doses. It has gotten better over these past two years.

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