The Vibration of Realization

I’m drenched in perspiration.  The thundering noise still echoes through my head. I still don’t know how I could react as I did, or even why. But it keeps replaying in my mind.


The choices that tumbled out to choose from were quickly snatched. My mind was racing, but I grabbed what I felt I was going to need. I have an inkling feeling of what the future holds. I will prevail.

My future begins to unravel in front of my eyes. It is as I thought, I will just have to stick with the choices I have made and my gut feeling. In that instant, the roar began. My whole body shook. The ground began to vibrate and many people started to panic. 

Without even thinking, I climbed a tree and spotted from a afar. A herd of buffalo came pounding toward us. Quickly I scanned the people.  It was decision time. I yelled down and told everyone to climb. The ones that could did. But a few older people were crippled and two children were struggling. 


Not much time was left. 

I climbed down with such force. I felt the urgency calling out within my body. The two kids were crying frantically. I grabbed the smaller one and ran to the tree beside me with people. There were open arms awaiting the child. I tossed the little girl to the couple and they held onto her as if they were her security blanket. 

The ground began to rattle even more. It was beginning to become hard to keep my balance. The little boy had followed me and I threw him onto my back.” Don’t let go! Hold tight!” I yelled over the thunderous pounding. I could see the herd now as i started grabbing the first branches. Just as I and the boy got out of reach, the buffalo came bolting through. A gust with tremendous force hit us with dust. My heart sank as I knew the 3 o,dear people didn’t make it. 

We waited until the dust had settled before moving. Once that happened, many began to climb down the trees. The boy hopped up onto my back again and we descended down the tree. He jumped off of me and sprinted towards his little sister. 

Blood was splattered everywhere. None of the older people that were left on the ground were moving, except one. An elderly woman held out her twitching hand. I ran over to her and took it in both of mine. Her body was bloodied and her intestines were sprawled out. 

There was no saving her and she knew it. My heart sunk. We both knew what had to be done. I grabbed the knife I chose earlier and held back my tears. “Do it.” She gurgled through her bloodied mouth.

“I’m sorry…” I whispered and sliced her throat as tears began to fall from my face. I dropped to my knees and sobbed.

You can’t save everyone…

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Whispers in my mind

What is this strange feeling. It is persistent, and feels as it is a weight holding me down. A choice has been made and there is no going back! 

Knowing that, it begins to suffocate me. My stomach starts to churn. One way ticket, no way out. 


Unless, I want to run… That is not what I want. I just have to endure this feeling. I must buckle up for the ride. It won’t always be joyful! 

A crumb of regret holds onto my shoulder, but I brush it off. None of that now. I have but one life, I can’t be in multiple places at the same time. The path has been chosen. My heart is committed. Now if only my head was in the game. A tickling voice ripples through my head. The wind begins to pick up. It starts pulling me, the feeling is awakened. I feel uncertain, after a couple of seconds, I shut it down. It needs to be patient. The road now calls to me. I whip around and slam the door on it all. For now, I will be happy. 

The travel bug has to sleep once again.

Twisted

Written in 2008

Tears dripped down her already wet cheeks splashing on her now damp paper. The only noise in the room was the patient sound of the clock, ticking with every tear. Her eyes finally became dry and puffy, but her heart felt a clenching ache. No one would ever see this, she thought as she tightly hugged her notebook. A deep gasp came out of her with realisation. 

Denial is a powerful thing. She pondered on that thought. Nothing would be the same again. She can no longer stare in awe and have so much passion towards him. 

No one can ever get that close, not again. 

Her mind starts to wonder to the past. She thought, what if it could work? But the thought slammed her back to reality. Her stonewall of security will now be barricaded. No one is getting in.


Her eyes travel to the ceiling as she feels the tears returning. She fights for control. No she will not cry again. She is stronger than that. Her heart has been trampled on before. So this should be easy to bare. 

Slithered in Evil

Written in 2008


At the beginning I had a feeling the outside would be bad. But I kept riding on this roller coaster. He came across as a nice guy maybe a little troublemaker, but nothing I couldn’t handle. 
Then everything went black. My life suddenly spun out of  my hands into his. 


An Evil grin spread upon his face as his eyes narrowed to slits. He started spatting venomous words at me. My heart dropped, and I kept feeling like it was my fault when I had done nothing wrong. Tears streamed down from my eyes, leaving salty trails behind. ‘I must be a Whore!’ He says I am.

For some reason, I believed his hateful words. I felt he was the only one who would accept me for how I am. So I never left. We were together everyday. No longer could I talk to my friends that were guys, because in my heart I knew those ghastly words would come out of his poisonous mouth. If he knew I had talked to boys, his body would soon radiate with how furious he was. My feelings would cower inside of me, waiting for his body to connect with my own. But I would never show him my fear, he could never break my pride. 

Fights began happening daily and he soon realized his grip on me was becoming loose. He tried to control me even more, trying to use drugs as my achille’s heel. But he soon found out, ‘ I’M NOT A DRUGGIE!’ I can say NO! So he began forcing me to eat pills and hits of acid. 

A otherworldy feeling took over my body. I could look at my own self, and I looked broken. My independent self was lost, no where to be seen. 

Something dark and menacing hovered over my body, whispering in a language never heard of. My body responded and let this human-like demon have a firm grip on me. 

Slowly, my eyes began to open again. I now realized some people do not have any good left in their hearts. I was just being a good person, letting someone close that needed help. Always seeing the good in people instead of what was really happening. For being a Caring person, I get stomped on and thrown in the dirt. I kept giving, even when I had nothing to give. My own heart was ripped out of my chest, then crushed. Right before my tear filled eyes. 

It’s his fault I had to leave a place that I had finally felt accepted. His own selfish intensions left me penniless, used, and broken hearted. But now I know, not to be so caring. I am stronger now! He pushed my mental capacity to its fullest. Now, I think I can take on the World. I am ready to step out of my hole once again.

Aging Alone

The floor creaked as I took a step forward. As the room shrank with every step, the musty smell devours me. My fingers felt the dirt and dust that was left on the now yellow looking laced curtain. I wiped away the grime from the antique mirror attached to the dresser. My eyes were tired. As I touched my reflection, I noticed my hands were withered and frail. Wrinkles now covered my boney hands. A lonely tear trickled down my powdered cheek. 

This is my lonely home and all that is here is me. The breeze from outside had a shrill sound to it as it echoed the loneliness I feel.

Walking Disaster!

Two and a half weeks have passed since I have started my new life in Sweden. The language some days, leaves Me frustrated, but I still push on to learn it. Many days have involved being in the forests. 


In the distance, you can hear the chainsaw roar to life as we begin our clean up. It started out just two trees. But as a few days passed with doing this. It became about twenty trees. My body was beginning to ache from dragging the branches to multiple burn piles. 

The cold was’nt clinging onto me anymore. Heat was now radiating off of me. Time for the hat to go. There was only a little bit of snow on the ground, but the temperature kept it there. 

Today, I called the shots to have a relaxed day. My other half still stays busy outside chopping logs or cutting trees. But now I have time to write and study Swedish. Before he disappeared to the forest, he askes if I would do the dishes.

About 5-10 minutes pass and I’m in the kitchen working on my task. I grab a dish thinking it belongs in the top cupboards. I open them, and realize it must live in a bottom cupboard. So I kneel down and put it away. With such force, I slammed into the corner of a top cupboard. So much that it closed itself. I dropped to my knees immediately and grabbed my head. The pain shattered my thoughts. I began deep breaths and started calming. Once I pulled my hand away, it was covered in blood. Shit, I thought. With an aching beginning, i walked outside. 

Birk could’nt hear my yelling with his earphones and working with a chainsaw. But once he saw me, his face became serious. Blood now dripped down my face. In just a tank top, underwear, and boots, I looked as if I should be in a horror film.

He rushed me back inside and sternly got me to sit down. It was a small puncture, now going to be my 3rd scar since moving here. 

It seems I’m a walking accident. One day, maybe I will be able to do the dishes without any blood getting involved.

The Forgotten Memory

The wretched truth keeps finding its way out. Escaping from its long forgotten box of solitude. First, a howl is heard. It echoes in the room. The sound is like a fowl stench etched in the air. I feel a dark pit begin to start in my stomach. The memories tumble back into my brain. They were forgotten for a reason! Now, they are back, permanently imbedded in my mind. The atmosphere has grown darker, now I have to deal with this never leaving dreadful past.
I must shrug it off, forgive myself, and move on. It is just another thing that has helped me become who I am today. Don’t stop fighting, stay true to yourself!

Forcing Ideas into Your Head

My world has been turned upside down. I’m at a loss for words. This feeling of confusion grabs a hold of my body. My vision beomes cloudy and now I’m standing in darkness. Nothing can be seen, it feels like hours, then I hear his voice calling out my name. His voice begins to hold panic. I start to run towards his sound. Urgency holds in his tone and gets louder as I get closer. I find a door and swing it open.

Immediately, I’m blinded by the light. I wake up coughing up something gooey and black. It quickly runs away. My vision clears and I’m on the floor with my husband hovering over me. His eyes are swollen with tears, and he grabs me for a hug. A sigh of relief escapes his lips. My memory is still foggy, what had happened?

I shake my head, trying to clear the mist of lost pieces. Then at that moment some of the memory floods back into my brain. I gasp as images play once again in my head. I remember seeing a black liquid thing form out of a big puddle in front of my eyes and trudges towards me. For some reason my body couldn’t move. It grabbed my face and opened my mouth. I was frozen with fear. It breathed some black thing inside of me. My eyes turned completely black for a second, and then went back to normal. The stiffness I felt, slowly left, and the monster thing treaded itself back to the puddle.

Snipets of images come across my mind. A little girl with black curls turning into gold curls. For a brief moment I see dead trees near a graveyard. Another image of the moon’s light shining down on the emptiness of a grassy field.

These pieces don’t add up. What does this mean?

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Twitterpated

My heart doesn’t miss a beat, but it still aches. A different kind of ache. I long to be held by that love of mine. His warm breath on my neck brings chills to my body. My heart and loins start to react just from the thought of him. How long am I to wait? My body is beginning to go crazy.

Being apart has been good and bad. We have found our independence once again. But I also realize once again, that he is special to me. My thoughts throughout the days always ends up back at his door step. Wondering what he would do in this position or how he would react. 

Happiness spurts out when I see he is calling. Just hearing his voice helps ease the pain of being apart. 

I must be madly twitterpated with this one of a kind guy. 

Ours worked a bit differently though. It wasn’t at first sight but over time it grew. Slowly our walls began tumbling down. We both realized it, and once I knew this was love I had for him. I almost ran with fright. To have your guard down with someone, and not even flinching on the idea that now you’re vulnerable. That is scary!

The Booming Noise

Hey… I know it has been a while, but I’m working on getting it back. And soon, I will. I feel it bubbling over, it needs an outlet. It’s a good thing I got you. A thing that can withstand the drama and stress of this crazy life of mine.

The pain thumps back to life, then dwindles away. I don’t know what brought it out. Maybe the bustling streets, or the clanging of glasses. Static conversations can be heard from a far. It is not that bad, but in my ears, they seem to be amplified . I feel a heavy weight through out my head, trying to push me down.

There will come a day where this feeling doesn’t exist. I just have to keep remembering that and keep moving forward.

Indoor music shows nowadays are hard for me to bear. It takes energy from me just to be around there stimulated by everything and everyone. All the sounds cascading down on me. I begin to feel as though I’m suffocating. But I can take it in small doses. It has gotten better over these past two years.

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